The Vicious Cycle

The weekend was a bit of a diet bust. But I did hold back and only have 2 bites when the husband ordered this:

I am fairly positive that I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to find out. My boobs hurt like crazy and my feet hurt, both sure signs of new pounds on my already swollen frame. I feel pretty bummed out lately and I am trying very hard not to take it out on the people who love me. I have a tendency to get defensive and be a huge bitch when I feel bad about myself.

I feel myself slipping into a depression and I have to get out of it before it starts. If I let myself slip further into this it will only get worse. I'll gain more because I am unhappy and then I will be even more unhappy because I am gaining. Then my unhappiness will make my husband unhappy because he inevitably will start to take it personally. I love my husband more than most wives love their husbands. I can honestly say that he is my very best friend. We share everything and I have no doubt in my mind that we will be together for the rest of our lives. But the one thing that we absolutely do not share is a weight problem. He has gained a few pounds here and there in the past, which have 'jokingly' been blamed on me because I'm a feeder. But he is able to lose extra weight and has a healthy self image. He tries to relate to my issues but inevitably he just ends up getting angry with me because of a perceived feeling of inadequacy at not being able to solve my problem.

I'm tired of letting him down. And I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

The only direction I can go is up at this point. I guess that will have to be my positive statement for the day.